February 3rd, 2009

my thoughts are always scattered but they're not.

i am an optimist yet i am a pessimist. i feel as though i have been struggling with my inner self. it's a constant battle between extreme perspectives, ideas, and behaviors intertwining so that i can find that happy middle. am i leading a double life? triple life? sometimes i feel like there's something wrong.

i am an open book yet i am not. i want to go on top of a mountain (preferably one loaded with sheep herders) and scream. i want to write down all my secrets and throw it down the tallest building in hopes of someone reading it and not giving a shit.

i wish strangers were not strangers. have you ever passed by someone wishing you could find out more about them? have you ever met someone briefly and wished they would never leave you? now would be the time to invest in teleportation.

i have so much i want to say to certain people. being diplomatic is not an option and is not effective. i run on emotions and impulses still. i can't help it. i have been pleasantly surprised by some and disappointed by others. i have grown attached to some and drifted from others. why? perhaps it's the uphill climb towards true maturity. perhaps it is merely destiny.

i sicken myself with the scenarios i envision. i feel crippled with an imagination that runs wild. i've lost so much hope. for the world, family, dreams...i feel selfish, pissed, rebelious, and disgusted. i put my heart into everything. my heart's been through enough. ENOUGH WITH THE TORMENT. i feel as though it has been shrunken into a frail string that the devil enjoys plucking and burning.

*getting a little misty eyed* i am nearly breaking down thinking of whether to follow my head or my heart. let me tell ya, lately, my heart's been the dominant one.

i feel like giving a huge "fuck you" to everything everyone expects out of me and wanting to play things on my terms. oh how i wish to leave. i feel horrific for thinking this way...all these years of hard work in the trash. all these years of wanting my cake and eating it too...i've awaken to reality. i want to get out. for if i do, it's the only way i can put the past behind me. i need a change. something is missing in my life. something is missing in my heart. something is missing in my soul.

it's on the tip of my tongue. there's a million things i want to say but i can't. i must resist. im screaming on the inside but i know the consequences. i pray this is just a phase im going through.
we're all in a phase....